Redefining success: lessons learned from life and travel
As I’ve journeyed through life and the world, I have come to question what it means to have a successful life or be a successful person. As I talk about often, part of this stems simply from viewing how other people live and how they determine success by a different set of standards and values altogether. And it works for them.
Travel has helped me pull the thread, so to speak, on many of the “truths” that I thought I knew or subjective ideas I regarded as absolutes. It hasn’t been an easy process. And it certainly isn’t a complete one (I don’t think it ever will be). But it has allowed me to reassess what’s important and begin to determine how I want to measure success for myself.
Prior to travel and a lot of my inner work and healing, the definition of “success” I was buying into sounded a lot like this:
Learning — be a good student; study hard, pass the exam, get good grades, forget what you learned. The grade is more important than the learning.
Relationships — romantic relationships are the most important; you should either be in one or seeking one. Marriage is the goal, and it should last forever if you’re doing it right.
Work — get a good job: full-time, benefits, 401k. You don’t need to love it, or even like it, or even not be completely miserable at it. Tolerate it and be grateful for it, even if it slowly kills your soul.
Money — make a lot of it; money is everything, and more is always better. Own a home, fill that home with nice things, drive a nice car, have a big retirement account (so you can retire early from that job that’s slowly killing you).
Family — have kids; if you choose not to, you’re selfish and won’t ever know real love or sacrifice.
I want to clarify that I’m not knocking any of these things as bad. Having good grades, a long-term romantic relationship, a full-time job, money and/or kids are all completely fine and admirable. What I am challenging here is the idea that this is what all people need to aspire to or that it will equate to happiness across the board, for everyone, without fail.
There is no equation for being happy or being successful, because these concepts are highly subjective and completely dependent on how you define them. And the best part is, you get to choose how to define these things. You get to choose who you want to be, what’s important to you, and what really matters in your life.
Here are some ways I’ve started to transform these prescriptive ideals and redefine success in my own life:
Learning — Be a student of life and of the world. Notice what excites you and allow yourself to gravitate toward that. It doesn’t have to make sense or math out. You don’t have to justify it. Just notice it, honor it, and know that it’s important, even if others don’t understand or relate. Learn for the sake of learning, and never stop.
Relationships — Connection with others is important and necessary, but the most important relationship you will ever have is with yourself. Be kind and compassionate. Be curious. Be present. When it comes to relationships with others, any connection isn’t better than no connection. It’s okay to step away from people that drain you. It’s okay to want deep, authentic relationships and to fight for that standard in your life. Romantic relationships aren’t the ultimate goal. You can have a life that is full and rich and vibrant without being partnered. But it’s also okay to want someone to share your life with. If it doesn’t last forever, that’s okay. It doesn’t mean you failed.
Work — Work is an opportunity to contribute to the world around you and provide for your needs and the needs of your loved ones. It can also be something that’s immensely fulfilling and creatively inspiring. It doesn’t have to be your dream job, but it can be. It’s important, but not the most important. If you’re going to spend a lot of time and energy working, it’s probably worth finding something that feels aligned, meaningful and, dare I say it, enjoyable. No matter what, you probably won’t feel excited to work every single day. But I do believe looking forward to work can be more the rule and less the exception.
Money — Money is a helpful and important resource. It not only helps with meeting basic needs, but can also help you build the life you want and prioritize what’s important to you. But the pursuit of money for money’s sake (or appearance sake or keeping up with the Joneses’ sake) is a pursuit in futility. It is at best a glittering distraction, and at worst, a tireless dictator.
Family — Having a family is great; and it’s okay to have a chosen family over a biological one. You can decide who you want to take up space in your life. You don’t have to have your own kids in order to help raise kids, have a meaningful presence in kids’ lives or make an impact on future generations.
I realize that my ideas won’t resonate for everyone. I’m not “right” while others are “wrong.” And that’s certainly not what I seek to communicate here. Rather, what I hope to express is the importance of taking time to choose and define the rules you want to live by for yourself. Instead of following blindly what you’ve been sold, consider what actually resonates for you. How do you want to redefine success? And how might exposing yourself to other ways of living help in making that assessment?
Some questions you can ask yourself for starters are:
What’s important to you? (not what you think should be important… what is actually important to you)
If you were to pause to envision being your most fulfilled self, what would that look like? What do you notice as you envision that?
What value or idea of success are you holding onto that isn’t actually yours? What may have been passed on to you that doesn’t fit anymore (or maybe never fit to begin with)?
Who do you look at and admire or want to emulate? What is it you connect with about the way they live?
Need some help exploring these questions? Reach out; we’re here and would love to explore with you!
Until next time…
Happy traveling!
~Tiffany