Changing direction
Throughout my life, I have often encountered the fear that says I must make big decisions and then hold to those decisions for the rest of my life. I must choose what I want to do with my life and who I want to be, and then continue to do that thing and be that person in perpetuity, simply because I said I would. Which, unsurprisingly, often keeps me from making any big decisions at all, and much less taking big risks. I stay frozen in indecision, scared that any decision I make will be the wrong one, and then I’ll be stuck with that bad decision forever.
Now, if you’re reading that and thinking it sounds a little absurd… you are correct.
As humans, we evolve all the time. We are (hopefully) always growing and learning and expanding our world views. We are constantly gathering new data and experiences from which to make more informed decisions for our lives. And often, those more informed decisions are going to look a lot different…possibly even completely opposite…than the choices we made when we were younger.
One of my favorite quotes, from the brilliant Maya Angelou, speaks to this dynamic:
“Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”
But for as simple and logical as this progression is, it’s still easy to get trapped in the limiting belief that we have to be the same person forever. We have to be the person we think we’re supposed to be, the person other people think we should be, or possibly even the person we think other people think we should be. We have to stay on the path we chose, because heaven forbid we become someone that other people consider flaky or inconsistent. Heaven forbid we evolve past the point of being palatable, predictable or managable to others. Heaven forbid we outgrow the boxes we put ourselves in, not knowing the cage we were creating for ourselves at the time. And while I’ve come to realize that anyone who wants me to stay small or unchanged isn’t someone worthy of my time, I nevertheless still get stuck in wanting to please the naysayers.
Because I don’t want to fail. I don’t want to be thought of as a quitter or someone who can’t stick with something or someone who doesn’t know what the hell they’re doing. The powers-that-be tell me being labeled these things isn’t good, so I spend a lot of my time and energy trying to avoid them. When, in reality, maybe these labels don’t really apply to begin with. Maybe deciding that something isn’t quite right for me and choosing something else that feels more aligned isn’t failing or quitting. It’s just evolving. Or, maybe these labels do apply, but just don’t really matter all that much. Maybe they aren’t actually the big, bad, scary things that people make them out to be. If trying something and it not working out is failing, then yep, I’m definitely a failure. If starting something and then deciding I don’t want to continue doing it is quitting, then count me in for that too. But maybe that’s just okay. And it doesn’t actually mean anything except what I allow it to mean.
What I’m constantly learning and relearning is that as long as I’m following my internal compass, the inner voice that’s steadily trying to guide me home to myself, I am and will always be okay. And I believe that voice has no interest in me doing what I’ve always done in an effort to please others or ease my own discomfort. It wants deep fulfillment and alignment. It wants relentless pursuit of what feels right in my soul. And unapologetic shedding of what does not.
The point, my dear readers, is that it’s okay to change direction. It’s okay to decide you want something different. It’s okay to reinvent yourself. It just is. And I hope you will allow yourself to do it many times throughout your limited time here. Be the wanderer, the dreamer, the rebel. Be whoever and whatever the hell you want to be…until you decide you want to be something else.
Until next time…
Happy traveling!
~Tiffany